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    28Jun, 2023
    What Makes A Relationship Work?
    Participant during Coffee bar Session. Photo: Evans Jomo

    Do you believe that relationships can work and endure? Is there always something that motivates and sustains relationships? These were the topics of discussion at this week’s coffee bar gathering, where we explored the elements that contribute to a successful and healthy relationship. While there is no definitive manual for making a relationship work, it is normal for relationships to experience ups and downs.

    Our conversation began with an exploration of the meaning of relationships and the individuals involved. For the purpose of our discussion, we considered any type of relationship that involves two people seeking companionship. Long-lasting relationships are not merely a result of luck; they require significant effort from both partners. Our focus was to simplify the discussion around relationship health and stay on track. We discussed the signs that indicate a healthy relationship or the factors that contribute to a good relationship.

    Participants shared various factors they believed to be crucial in maintaining a healthy relationship. Some of these factors were derived from personal experiences, while others were observations from different situations. Among the recurring signs mentioned were financial stability, effective communication, love, understanding, self-awareness, positive energy, sexual compatibility, personal growth, security, mutual respect, trust, establishment of relationship boundaries, sexual history, and emotional connection.

    Communication emerged as one of the most frequently mentioned and impactful qualities that make a relationship work and remain healthy. The ability to freely discuss any topic with your partner without fear of judgment builds trust within the relationship. Lack of communication has been identified as a significant red flag in many relationships. It is essential not only to talk frequently but also to communicate effectively. Being able to openly discuss any subject without fear of judgment is vital.

    “…….to ensure a relationship functions smoothly, there must be good, open, and clear communication between the two individuals.” One participant said

    During the discussion, the conversation veered off track when the topic of sexual history came up. Is a person’s sexual history important in a relationship? Some participants felt that one should be cautious about a partner’s sexual history before entering into a relationship, while others believed that it should not be a concern. Some ladies present pointed out that this question is often used to demean women and is outdated.

    “It is important to know your partner’s sexual history or body count as it can provide insight into their sexual experience and help you make informed decisions about your own sexual activity.” one participant said

    Understanding both your own needs and the needs of others is instrumental in building better relationships. When entering into a relationship, each individual seeks to gain something. Understanding your desires within the relationship creates space for it to thrive while also respecting your partner’s boundaries.

    Maintaining a healthy and functional relationship is important as it saves time, energy, and heartache. Learning to cultivate and sustain the qualities necessary for a healthy relationship is crucial. It is worth noting that some work relationships will be more challenging than others, but with thought, time, and effort, everything will work for you two. See you on Tuesday!

    22Jun, 2023
    How Can Self Presentation Affect Your Life?
    Participants during Coffee Bar Session. Photo: Evans Jomo

    Did you know that people judge or perceive you based on how you present yourself? Self-presentation, the intentional process of portraying oneself to others, is a fundamental aspect of human interaction. From the way we dress to the words we choose, our self-presentation sends signals to the world about who we are and what we value. But beyond mere appearances, self-presentation plays a profound role in shaping our lives and influencing the way others perceive and treat us. In this week’s session, we explored the intricate relationship between self-presentation and its profound impact on personal growth and well-being.

    Our discussion focused on understanding how participants perceive each other. To begin the discussion, we selected a few individuals who felt comfortable receiving feedback regarding how others viewed them. There was a diverse range of views expressed about how the rest of the team is perceived by the participants. Based on the results of this exercise, it was apparent that the majority of views shared were unknown to the participants. Self presentation can affect your life both positively and negatively.

    Self-presentation encompasses various dimensions that collectively construct an individual’s public image. These dimensions include physical appearance, verbal and non-verbal communication, behavior, social media presence, personal branding among others. Each aspect influences how others perceive and evaluate us, shaping both initial impressions and long-term perceptions.

    First impressions are often formed rapidly, and they can have a lasting impact on our interactions and relationships. People tend to attribute positive qualities to individuals they find physically attractive or well put-together. While this bias may seem unfair, understanding its existence empowers individuals to leverage their self-presentation to create a favorable initial impression, which can open doors and opportunities. One participant said that how he dresses is usually influenced by occasions he’s attending.

    . “…I don’t dress like a ghetto when I go to big events where I know I will meet people who are important and can have a positive impact in my life,” he said.

    Self-presentation goes beyond physical appearance. It extends into our demeanor, body language, and communication skills. When individuals project confidence through their self-presentation, it can lead to an enhanced perception of their competence. This confidence/competence loop can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, as individuals who are perceived as competent are more likely to be given opportunities and responsibilities that further develop their skills and expertise.

    “.. I was called after a job interview not because I was the most dressed up but simply for my confidence during the interview.” one participant said.

    While projecting a positive self-image is important, authenticity remains a crucial factor. Attempting to present an exaggerated or false version of oneself can lead to negative consequences, such as strained relationships, emotional distress, and a loss of personal identity. Striking a balance between self-improvement and embracing one’s genuine self allows for a more fulfilling and sustainable approach to self-presentation.

    The way others perceive and react to our self-presentation can significantly impact our self-esteem and self-worth. In today’s digitally connected world, social media platforms often become a stage for self-presentation. The pursuit of external validation through likes, comments, and followers can become a double-edged sword. It is important to cultivate a healthy sense of self-worth based on internal values and achievements, rather than relying solely on external validation.

    Self-presentation affects not only how others perceive us but also how we perceive ourselves. When individuals actively engage in shaping their self-presentation to align with their aspirations and goals, it can foster personal growth and development. By consciously projecting qualities and behaviors that reflect their desired identity, individuals can build self-confidence, strengthen relationships, and attract opportunities that support their personal and professional advancement.

    Self-presentation is a powerful tool that influences our lives on multiple levels. By understanding the impact of self-presentation and adopting an intentional approach, individuals can enhance their personal growth and well-being. Balancing authenticity and self-improvement, leveraging first impressions, and nurturing internal self-worth all contribute to a holistic self-presentation strategy. Ultimately, self-presentation becomes a catalyst for personal growth, empowering individuals to shape their own narratives and create a positive impact on the world around them. See you on Tuesday!

    8Jun, 2023
    Is There A Line Between Good Parenting And Toxic Parenting?
    Participants During Coffee Bar Tuesday. Photo: Evans Jomo

    Did you know that parenting styles can fall on a spectrum, and occasional lapses into toxic behavior do not necessarily define someone as a toxic parent. During this week’s #CoffeebarTuesday, we focused on understanding good parenting and toxic parenting. Consistent patterns of harmful behavior that negatively impact the child’s well-being and development should be addressed and modified to ensure a healthy and nurturing environment.

    Parenting is a challenging yet rewarding journey that shapes the lives of children. While most parents strive to provide a nurturing and supportive environment, there exists a darker side known as toxic parenting. Toxic parenting encompasses behaviors and attitudes that harm a child’s emotional, psychological, and social well-being. Toxic parenting can manifest in various ways, often stemming from a combination of factors such as personal struggles, inadequate coping mechanisms, or learned behavior. 

    Reflecting on childhood experiences and the current experiences, how toxic were or are our parents? With ⅓ of our participants already parents, how can they be able to create a line between good parenting and toxic parenting? During the discussion, the majority of participants pointed out that there’s no line between the two. However, they were able to raise some of the common red flags that you should watch out on to know that you’re becoming a toxic parent. 

    Some of the common red flags of toxic parenting include:

    Emotional Manipulation: Toxic parents usually employ guilt, shame, or constant criticism to control their children, often using emotional manipulation as a tool to assert power and dominance.

    Neglect or Overindulgence: Both neglectful and overindulgent parenting can be harmful. Neglectful parents fail to meet their child’s basic needs, while overindulgent parents may excessively pamper or spoil their children, hindering their ability to develop self-discipline and resilience.

    “…I have a friend whose parents have provided everything for him but freedom to choose what he should do for his career..” one participant shared.

    Physical or Verbal Abuse: Toxic parents may resort to physical violence, harsh words, or derogatory language, leaving lasting scars on their children’s self-esteem and self-worth. Physical or verbal abuse has severe consequences on a child’s emotional and psychological well-being.

    Physical or Verbal Abuse: Toxic parents may resort to physical violence, harsh words, or derogatory language, leaving lasting scars on their children’s self-esteem and self-worth. Physical or verbal abuse has severe consequences on a child’s emotional and psychological well-being.

    “…my father used to come home late and drunk and he would beat all of us including my mother..” a participant shared during the session.

    Unrealistic Expectations: Placing unrealistic expectations on children can lead to chronic stress and anxiety. Toxic parents may project their unfulfilled dreams onto their children, pressuring them to achieve specific goals that may not align with their natural abilities or interests. Most participants shared how their parents always compared them with others peers placing unnecessary pressure on them.

    “…. my parents used to beat me because i was position 3 and not position 1 as she expected…” a participant shared.

    Some of the key points shared by participant between good parenting and toxic parenting include;

    Unconditional love vs. conditional love: Good parenting involves showing unconditional love and support for the child, regardless of their successes or failures. Toxic parenting, on the other hand, may involve conditional love, where affection and acceptance are based on meeting certain expectations or criteria.

    Healthy boundaries vs. excessive control: Good parenting establishes appropriate boundaries that allow children to develop autonomy and independence while ensuring their safety and well-being. Toxic parenting tends to exert excessive control, restrict freedom, and undermine the child’s ability to make choices and develop their own identity.

    Open communication vs. lack of communication: Good parenting involves open and honest communication with the child, allowing them to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns without fear of judgment or reprisal. Toxic parenting may involve a lack of communication, dismissive attitudes, or emotional manipulation that discourages open dialogue.

    Positive discipline vs. harsh punishment: Good parenting focuses on positive discipline methods that teach children responsibility, empathy, and problem-solving skills. Toxic parenting relies on harsh punishment, including physical or verbal abuse, shaming, or overly punitive measures that can be damaging to the child’s emotional and psychological well-being.

    Encouragement of independence vs. excessive dependence: Good parenting encourages the child’s development of independence and self-reliance by gradually increasing responsibilities and providing guidance. Toxic parenting fosters excessive dependence, discouraging the child from exploring their abilities and inhibiting their growth and self-confidence.

    Respect for the child’s individuality vs. unrealistic expectations: Good parenting respects and values the child’s individuality, acknowledging their unique strengths, weaknesses, and interests. Toxic parenting may impose unrealistic expectations, demand conformity, or project the parent’s unfulfilled ambitions onto the child.

    Low Self-Esteem: Constant criticism and negative reinforcement erode a child’s self-esteem, leading to feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and a lack of self-worth.

    Emotional Instability: Children raised in toxic environments often struggle with emotional regulation. They may experience heightened levels of anxiety, depression, or anger, impacting their overall mental well-being.

    Poor Social Skills: Toxic parenting can hinder a child’s ability to form healthy relationships. They may struggle with trust, empathy, and communication, leading to difficulties in establishing meaningful connections with others.

    Self-Doubt and Perfectionism: Toxic parenting can create a constant need for validation and perfectionism. Children may grow up feeling that their worth is contingent on meeting unrealistic expectations, perpetuating a cycle of self-doubt and fear of failure.

    Breaking the Cycle: Recognizing and addressing toxic parenting is crucial to breaking the cycle and fostering a healthier parent-child relationship. Here are some steps to promote positive change.

    Self-Reflection: Parents should reflect on their own upbringing, beliefs, and behaviors. Identifying patterns of toxic behavior allows for self-awareness and the opportunity to make positive changes.

    Seek Support: Reach out to professionals such as therapists, counselors, or support groups who can provide guidance and tools for developing healthier parenting techniques.

    Practice Emotional Intelligence: Cultivate emotional intelligence by actively listening, validating emotions, and practicing empathy. This helps create an environment where children feel safe expressing themselves.

    Set Healthy Boundaries: There’s a need to establish clear and reasonable boundaries that respect both the child’s autonomy and their need for guidance and protection.

    There’s no manual for parenting but that doesn’t mean that a child should be hurt, discriminated against or humiliated by the parents. The impact of toxic parenting can be far-reaching and long-lasting, affecting a child’s development and future relationships. As parents or incoming parents, we must ensure that we create spaces where children are able to realize their full potential and also safeguard and protect their well being. See you on Tuesday!